loss of hope

I felt so hopeful at the beginning of the year. Why? I am foolish.

Hope is fading quickly.

Pain, emptiness. That is really all I know.

1,057.5 KCal; B/S 143 @ 12am: did not take insulin with last meal.

Daily total run down:

B/S 143 with no insulin...

2 meals plus glass of soy milk @ midnight

1st Meal Totals: 287.5 KCal; 12g P; 4g F; 112g C; 1,162mg Na
2nd Meal Totals: 640 KCal, 25g P; 6g F; 241g C; 3503mg Na
Soy milk Total: 130 KCal; 5g P; 3g F; 23g Cl 105mg Na

Daily Totals: 1057.5 KCal; 42g P; 13g F; 376g C; 4,770mg NA

640 Kcal 8 PM B/S 94

Ate remaining 2/3 of Bean/Rotel/Corn mix in a can of tomato soup:

Meal Totals: 640 KCal, 25g P; 6g F; 241g C; 3503mg Na

11 AM B/S 106, 2 PM B/S 61, ate at 2 PM

Did not eat in the beginning of day. Ate first meal at 2 PM, consisted of 2 corn tortillas and 1/3 of Black Bean-Rotel-Corn Mixture

Meal Total: 287.5 KCal; 12g P; 4g F; 112g C; 1,162mg Na.

Took 20 units of Apidra.

Kick start day 5. 6 am (Rising?) B/S 72. No sleep.

Feet feel like they are covered with cement, very heavy.

Fingers are constantly tingly like they are asleep.

Could not fall asleep all night. That is unusual only because I have been sleeping much better.

Mid-morn Snack (3am), B/S 73

Couldnt fall asleep, still wanted to eat. Mixed usual black beans and rotel but added can of corn.

Corn stats are 245-7-3.5-45.5-840.

New Mix stats: 622.5 KCal; 29.5g P; 9g F; 287g C; 3,455mg Na.

I added pepper and I thought it was very good. I ate it all because I was enjoying the taste.

I recd a very nice text today, that was uplifting and hopeful. Thank you.

NEED MORE GREENS!

KCal 1,761.5; B/S 123. Still wanted something to eat.

Ate a bowl of soup, 225-5-0-50-1200.


Daily totals: 1,761.5 KCal; 123.5g P; 96.5g F; 592.5g C; 4,955mg Na.

Daily Totals, B/S 129 @ 9pm.

1536.5 KCal; 118.5g P; 96.5g F; 542.5g C; 3,755mg Na.

Pre-meal B /S 116

Ate dinner standing up...

Finished the pasta: 266 KCal; 36g P; 56 F; 146g C; 0mg Na,

Plus 2 Servings of Chips: 280KCal, 4g P, 14g F, 38g C, 230mg Na.

Meal total: 546 KCal; 40g P, 70g F; 184g C; 230mg Na.

4:30 B/S 116, ate baggie of salad

No dressing, salad was iceberg, cherry tomato, carrot pieces and cucumber. Not sure how to count it. Negligible? Seasoned with pepper.

I cannot stay here (Texas). I'm not sure what I am going to do.

1 pm B/S 56, lunch entire BB/Rotel + 2 Tostito Chips

Low B/S, 56;

Ate Black Bean/Rotel Mixture as indicated:

377.5 KCal, 22.5g P, 5.25g F, 241.5g C, 2,615mg Na.

2 Servings of Chips:

280KCal, 4g P, 14g F, 38g C, 230mg Na.

Totals:

657.5 KCal, 26.5g P, 19.5g F, 279.5g C, 2,845mg Na.

This is largest single meal since I started.

Post meal B/S 177.

6:30 B/S 73; Ate almost 250 cal for Brkfst

Went and ate 1/3 of remaining pasta mix & a shake. Took 40 units with meal.

Took early shower- before 7:30.

meal stats:

Pasta (1/3 of 5/6) 133 KCal; 18g P; 2g F; 73g C; 0mg Na
Shake: 100 KCal 17g P; 2.5g F; 3g C; 340mg Na

Totals: 233 KCal 35g P; 4.5g F; 76g C ;340mg Na

Awoke, 2am shaking. B/S 40.

drank a protein shake 100-17-205-3-340.

Aso drank a sierra mist, went back to bed.

Follow up B/S 61.

Kcal 825; 10 pm, B/S 47, Daily totals (Drank Shake)

Drank Vanilla EAS Shake, 100-17-2.5-3-340.

Daily totals:

825 KCal, 47.5g P, 7.5g F, 142g C, 3,130mg Na

Ratio: 24%P, 9%F, 68% C

Dinner Meal consisted of dressingless salad, prepared pasta

B/S not recorded pre-meal. Did take 40units of Apidra.

1/6 Mix 6KCal, .3g P, 1g F, 2g C, 155mg Na.

1/6 Artichoke: 6Kcal, .3g P, 0g F, 1g C, 16mg Na.

Pasta serving: 200 KCal, 4g P, 1g F, 44g C, 0mg Na.

Meal Totals: 212 KCal, 4.5g P, 2g F, 47g C, 171mg Na.

Also consumed salad (Iceberg with carrots and tomatoes) only dressed with tellicherry pepper.

5:30 B/S 1:28, began preparing dinner meal

Meal consists of 1/6 serving of the dried tomato powder, 1/6 serving of Artichokes and 1/6 Pasta- serving size.

Over all, a little lethargic. Fingers still hurting as are toes.

Mentally food is not satisfying me. That could be issue, but I am about to make it through day three.

In shopping, I picked up 2 cans of 6 different beans, 2 cabbages, corn tortillas, Tostitos, diet 7up and Soy Milk and Soy Cheddar (like) Cheese.

B/S 117, finished Black Bean/Rotel

Added 2 Corn Tortillas

BB/R: 127-12-1-38-1305
Corn Tortillas: 80-2-1-16-10

Meal total: 207 KCal, 14g P, 2g F, 54g C, 1,315mg Na.

11:30 (CST) B/S 182

Blood sugar increased dramatically from Rotel/Black Bean. took 40 units of Apidra.

Got an opportunity to talk to LLP.

9 am B/S 40; I think I am going to need a Lantus adjustment (65 units)

So I awoke with LOW B/S, went and ate 1/2 of black bean/Rotel mixture:

127KCal -12g P-1g F-38g C-1305mg Na

going to wait on taking follow up measure. Going to go back to bed at least for 1 hour, body shaking. Will wait to see before trying to add any glucose or real sugar directly to my system.

KCal 845; B/S 209; DAILY TOTALS, barring any addditional eating, 845 KCal

5 meals, 6 am, 10 am, 4 pm, 8pm, 9pm

Just drank a shake (110-17-3-1-260).

Calorie totals: 845KCal, 53g P, 7.5g F, 134g C, 3,620mg Na.

NOTE: Na is still so high because too much packaged foods...

Under 900 cal. That is not sustainable for me. Not long term.

Ratios: 25%P, 8%F ,62%C.

Good improvement in P, Carb ratio off, but over all KCal very low.

Dinner (7pm) Stats

Prepared boxed meal, "Snapdragon" General Tsao... It is a rice noodle meal.

Boil water, put noodles in and turn off heat, 3-6 min (I used 4 for al dente).

Mixed with 1 cup of Bird's Eye Stir Fry Vegies cooked 6 min in microwave.

Noodle Sauce mix (ate both servings): 420 KCal, 8g P, 1g F, 96g C, 1740mg Na

Veggies: 50 Kcal, 2g P, 0g F, 9g C, 308mg Na.

Meal Total: 470 KCal, 10g P, 1g F, 105g C, 2,120mg Na.

6pm (CST) B/S 98, two hours post meal, no insulin

I am really going to have to adjust to this lower sugar, very lethargic.

Anyway, ate meal at 4 after 48 B/S; by 4:30 it was 74, now 98.

Dinner wil involve veggies...duh.... Maybe a carb meal? I have some gluten free quick meal options- General Tso and Indonesian Peanut as well as some gluten free spaghetti...

I will probably consume a second shake (protein).

Anyway, once I figure it out, I will be back to comment on the results.

4pm B/S 48, waking from nap

Fell asleep reading and woke up with a 48 B/S reading.

Went out ate Black Bean/Rotel Mixture left over, after done, B/S 74. Going back to bed for awhile, do not feel good.

Also ate a baggie of salad, plain. Tried chewing the bean mixture better, stool showed lots of whole beans. (yuck, but relevant).

Bean Meal with Artichokes

Consumed bean meal with artichokes, new info:

95 KCal, 5.5g P, .25g F, 16g C, 555mg Na.

Goning to do some reading, weight work & Stretching.

6 am (CST) Rising B/S 156; Drank EAS shake, 48 units Apidra, back to bed

Awoke with a splitting headache. Consumed one French Vanilla Shake, took insulin (needle drawn) and decided to go back to bed. Hands still shaking a little.

Shooting for 1500 KCal, 45%P-25%F-30%C today and to keeep Na below 2000. We'll see.

6am meal 110 KCal 17g P-3g F- 1g C- 260 Na. (62%-25%-1%). Note, the ratios are not adding to 100 every time, I think because of dietarty fiber. I am going to have to look at that and make an accounting for that at some point.

Back to bed.

1575 KCal; 10:30 B/S 85, 45 min post meal; Daily Totals

Worried about Protein, had a EAS shake and can of tomato soup.

EAS 110-17-3-1-260
Soup 235-5-0-50-1200

That is a lot of sodium.

1575 KCal-86g P-34.5g F-260C-3300mg Na. Ratio: 22P-19F-19C.

After dinner B/S 127 (60 min post-meal)

Dinner consisted of the black bean/Rotel mixture Bean/Rotel Mixture (1/2): 60KCal, 3.5g P, .25 F, 11g C, 475 Na and a baggie of salad no dressing 0-0-0-0. One can (12oz) of Sierra Mist 50 Na.

Played some WWF with Rose on line (maybe DAR), was really sucky-- scores in low 200's.

Spoke with LLP, she was mostly positive toward me today.

Took nightly Lantus shot (65 units) and pill cocktail at 7pm. Hoping for early start to sleep and early rise tomorrow (again) to start this veggie thing all over.

Totals for consumption:

Bean/Rotel Mixture (1/2): 60KCal, 3.5g P, .25 F, 11g C, 475 Na

Banana (200-2-1-51-2). 51 carbs!

Quinoa pasta with dried tomato mixture and olive oil: 920 KCal, 56g P, 30g F, 106g C an 938 Na.

Bean/Rotel Mixture (1/2): 60KCal, 3.5g P, .25 F, 11g C, 475 Na + salad for 0-0-0-0.

1240 KCal-64g P-31.5g F-179C-1890mg Na. Ratio: 20P-23F-57C.

Livestrong.com 2012 'new years resolutions' is recommending 20% Protein, 20% Fat diet and 60% carb.

Body builder.com is recommening 40-20-40.

Remember, the goal of Dr. Barnard's program is to remove fats!

My ratio, which is almost in line with Livestrong. I need to get closer to the BB.com if I am not going to be sedentary. If I had drank one shake, it would have changed the ratios:

1350-81P-34.5F-180C to 24%P-23.5%F-53%C, still too high. I need to make sure the protein balance is above 30% daily, and as close to 40% as possible.

Day 1 12:30pm, B/S 72!

I received a call from my friend today. She seemed more annoyed or bothered than usual in the conversation. She was taking her children to the movies. sounds like fun. I have taken many children to any movies.

My pre-meal B/S is 72. I am going to take the 40 units of Apidra.

Pre-meal: (Peer Trainer one fruit a day) Banana (200-2-1-51-2). 51 carbs!

Meal: Quinoa pasta with dried tomato mixture and olive oil.

Totals: 920 KCal, 10g P, 30g F, 106g C an 938 Na.

Note: this is two servings (4oz). I'm not sure I would want to eat less.

After lunch, a 10 min walk around the block. Per Rebecca's advice (for starting walking). Seems like so little, but...

Vegan Kick Start, Day 1. 5am B/S 210.

Breakfast (5.10am)- mixture of can of Bush's Black Beans and Rotel. Consumed 1/2, saved rest for later.

No Lantus last night, 65 units this morn, 20 units of Apidra.

Bean/Rotel Mixture (1/2): 60KCal, 3.5g P, .25 F, 11g C, 475 Na.

This will be followed this am at some point by an advantedge shake. (110, 17, 3, 1, 260).

Cut my finger on one of the cans.

I do not want to live to be old. (not active thought of wanting to die, simply a reflection).

Yesterday I called a number of Doc offices about the medicare obesity counseling. they were all closed.

The corned beef dinner was good, lacking in tunips. ate a lot of cabbage. Yum. At least 2 1/2 cups. Ate carrots, 1/2 potato, and corned beef. Did drink sugar Pepsi and ate 2 serv. of choco chip cookies for dessert.

This is my day 1, people. eat,read, exercise, help out. Feb 1 back to Lisa and doc.

No B/S reading, final meal non-vegan, spent time with family...

Las night, Corned Beef meal, ate 2 1/2 cups cabbage, 1/2 potato, carrot, there were no turnips. Also consumed sugary Pepsi and ate 2 servings of Choco Chip cookies.

Took 150 units of Apidra. no lantus.

Played a game called BayBlade with Ethan (involveds zip-spinned tops in a plastic bowl like 'stadium.' Also showed him some lego starwars you tube and played some lego star wears with him (with Mario Kart Bike).

Lunch: 2 Taco Bueno Black Bean Cups, 12:30; B/S 171

So I went with the fast food. Serving info: 90 KCal, 6g P, 18g C, 0g F. I had two, so double...

I drank diet sierra mist can(s)- also 2.

Post office was closed for Jan 1 holiday. Will have to mail Court costs (need money order) tomorrow.

Need to find Doc for this medicare weight loss thing.

Did knee raises in kitchen holding counter, raised knees to counter bottom 50 times each.

Also did 3 sets of 10 curls with 25 lbs dumbbell.

Back to reading for a bit.

Purchased peroxide for mouth rinse- per Mom's advice. We'll see.

Disease listing- 1/2

I thought I would actually list out the things wrong with me, and see where this health journey takes me:

Psoriasis-- Dr. Cush recommending Gluten-free; curent treatment Remicade every 8 weeks, and a very low dose topical cortisteroid.

Psoriatic Arthritis- Dr. Cush recommending Gluten-free; current treatment Remicade every 8 weeks, Methotrexate once a week.

Crohn's Disease- Recenty diagnosed by a gastroenterologist, it is being treated with Remicade every 8 weeks and Prednisone

Diabetes- Book by Dr. Barnard is recommending VEGAN; Current treatment is 65 units of Lantus nightly, and based on pre-meal B/S, Apidra on a sliding scale, starting at 40 units. NOTE my last blood work showed an estimated HG A1c of 13.0.

DeepVein Thrombosis- I have had a clot in my left fore arm, clots in the lower parts of both legs. I have not seen the vein doctor or hematologist since late 2010. Currently treated with 4mg Warfarin; unmonitored and my PT/INR should be between 2.5-3.5.

LdL Cholesterol is low- I make the LdL/HdL ratio out of whack. I take Loveza (2gm, 2xs daily) and Simvastatin (20mg).

Low Testosterone- not currently being treated. Previosly treated with rub in testosterone gels; the latest was Testim. My numbers never really showed any improvement.

Something wrong with my privates- no (normal) sexual function & bathroom issues- this was a result of my accident in 2005; I saw a surgeon (finally) in 2008, but they declined to do anything about it (UF/Jax).

Periodontal Disease- Gums bleed ate each brushing. 22 teeth in head, pulled baby teeth behind incisors out (Brooks in 2008, me in 2009). Purchased a sonicare toothbrush to see if that would help. (1/1/2012). Also rinse at least daily with Biotene, because some of the meds cause dry mouth.

Mental Illness-Diagnosis-Bipolar Disorder-Current Treatment includes medication regimen of 800mg Seroquel XR, 1500mg Depokote ER, and 2mg Klonopin.

Other things, my feet and hands have sharp pains, associated with both the arthritis and the diabetes. when they are combined it becomes hard to do anything with my hands and my feet hurt on walking.

Obesity- The weigh in is 302. Not as high as I expected, but obviously fat. I'm coming in at just under 6' these days (down from 6'1 1/2"), making my BMI 41 (using 6'0" as my height).

Blood Pressure- My last Blood Pressure (Dec 4, Remicade Appt) was 122/66.

Resting Heart Rate- (also from Remicade Appt) was 68.

Tinnitus- It comes and goes (lately mostly goes). It is often accompanied by headaches.

Headaches- I used to get mind numbing headaches. I took a drug called fioricet for that. I have not had those headaches since 2006, but they were very prevalent in the mid-late 1990's.

Myopia- The last thing is my vision. I have a hard time seeing at a distance without glasses. And my prescription is not that strong. But with Glasses, I think I do OK. Close (like texting or typing, book reading) seems unaffected.

Day (-)1 Vegan Kick Start, rising 6.30, B/S 188

I have been pumping a lot more insulin into me the last few days. Hopefully this will be the last day of it a I go partially vegan and delay the kickstart by one day. The dinner tonight (lots of veggies) is a traditional boiled dinner, featuring a flat cut Corned Beef.

It is called "Corned" because it is treated with corns of salt. One history I recall of Corned Beef is that native Irish do not eat it, but that it became popular during the Irish immigration here to the US due to its familiarity and the fact that it was relatively cheap.

All I know, my Grandfather and Grandmother having immigrated to America, is that I grew up on boiled dinners, this being the chief one. We probably eat it (my parents) at least once a month when Corned Beef is in stock and reasonably priced.

Enough about that. That will be dinner, I think my mother invited my sister's family for 4pm.

I am goint to begin the day with one of those protein shakes, now at 7am. at 10:30, a mixture of Black Beans and can of Rotel. I will wait for the dinner meal and probably skip the second protein shake today. I may eat a can of tomato soup in the evening.

For sleep, I would like to get into some kind of pattern, if posibble. Maybe a midnight to 6 or 6:30 thing. Of course, to date that has been impossible, but I think that is about how I slept last night.

B/S 315 @ 5.30, took 150 units apidra

This is after a lasagna dinner at 2.00pm, included salad, no bread, but 3 cans of Pepsi Throwback (SUGAR).

Read Vickie Lamb's post about crossfit and what she is looking to do.

Had 25 min discussion after dinner with dad and sister (both struggle with health and weight issues) about diet, what I am going to try to do (Vegan/gluten-free). My sister recently had her gall bladder removed and is supposed to do something about fat intake.

Discussed walking for healt and options in this cold north Texas weather, esp since she pretty much has her baby with her 24/7 when she is not at work. My dad recommended the mall. Wonder what time that opens to walkers? I remember back in the early 90's I worked at gayfers, and on the early shift (before store opened) there were mall walkers, mostly either old people or ladies pushing strollers.

12.30 pm B/S 244- another 80 units of Apidra

Went back to sleep around 8am, woke at noon to the sound of a champagne bottle popping. Do you know how they get the bubbles in the champagne? Double fermentation.

Disappointed that the sugar did not come down more. That is too much insulin to be pumping into me, 280 units in about 5 hours.

Today's big meal will be Lasagna. My mom prepared it yesterday, so it will be good and set up today. Yum.

Can't stop thinking about WDW Feb and the 4 payday loans I have outstanding (one each for 500, 400, 300 & 200). THat pretty much is the amount I get each month, so...

Daily Bible Post by Christi B/S 7..30 am: 307

She writes:

John 3:16-17

16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

Wouldn't that be great? Eternal Life? By Salvation through God's Son?

Blood sugars massively high. Another 150 units Apidra. Another 65 units Lantus.

Thinking bout Leap Day and 24hours of Disney. How to pull it off...

B/S 394, so naturally I am disappointed

I took 150 unit of Apidra, and the standard 65 of Lantus. We'll see what the morning brings.

IT'S why i can't be pescetarian (Pesco-vegetarian)...

Remove Animal fat (there was butter involved in the lobster consumption).

I am afraid. It will be hard. I am going to need some kind of support.